So I’m not going to give you a whole bunch of fluff or blow smoke up your ass about this. Self-love is important to living your best holistic life.
But I can’t teach you something I’m currently not capable of doing.
That’s right, I can honestly admit that I don’t love myself. At least not the way I know I deserve.
Last night during a particularly emotional moment, I admitted to my boyfriend that I don’t love myself. And by me not loving myself, I keep waiting for this catastrophic ending to us. Because internally I don’t feel worthy.
I can feel that he loves me but somewhere I have a disconnect. And I honestly believe that the disconnect comes from not loving myself. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of my own love and therefore not of his.
I’m pretty sure this caught him off guard, because he asked me about all of the books that I buy. Yeah books are great, but they are all coming from someone else telling you how they learned to love themselves. And sometimes that translates to learning to love yourself, and sometimes, it doesn’t. For me, these books give me things to add to a self-care practice. And a a practice would be great, but my foundation is not there.
He asked me what areas in my life make me feel bad about myself and I laid it out for him. Instead of pushing me away, like I was expecting, he held me. He told me we could work on all the things I feel are wrong with me.
And in that moment, I felt there was a weight that had been lifted from my shoulders.
To be able to admit that I feel like I am not worthy of love from myself, felt like I had taken two purses full of water and bricks off of my shoulders. I had held onto that weight, that secret for our entire relationship, as well as many years prior.
It’s why I fell into shitty relationship after shitty relationship. Why I made so many crappy choices in my teens. Why I dated people that didn’t uplift me or care about me.
In that moment, I felt free in my spirit. So while I do plan to do all this work to make myself feel better about myself externally with and without my boyfriend, I’m also planning to do a lot of internal work.
I’m not sure what it will take for me to love myself the way my soul is telling me I need to be loved, but this is a new experience for me. So yes a lot of the content I am already creating will remain, but a lot of it will be changing.
I wrote this post to let people know who I am. Where I am at mentally and that I am growing. I’m a little lost. I don’t know how to love myself. But I know where I want to be and I know how I want to feel. I may not know how to get there, but that’s okay.
I’m grateful to my guides for getting through to me, and my man for supporting me even when I wasn’t supporting myself.
I hope this all made sense.
Until next time,